Sunday, August 21, 2011

Friendly Tips for Camping

You may not know this about me but I'm pretty high maintenance. I hate admitting that because I generally don't like high maintenance girls, but there it is, and I'm sure my husband will resoundingly agree. I'm basing this on a few facts: I rarely leave the house without makeup (and by rarely, I mean only if the house is on fire), I really like air conditioning and hate anything that makes me sweat, and I have a "product" for everything. I can't help it, I was raised in a climate controlled environment, didn't play sports, and have a naturally ugly face.

But surprisingly, I actually really like camping. I love being out in nature, cooking on a fire, pooping behind a log. I mean, I don't think I could go for more than a couple days or anything, but we always go camping a few times a year. I actually have a pretty impressive camping resume, considering my long Girl Scouts career and the fact that my best friend in high school had a trailer at a campground (the same place  where she would reveal, awkwardly, that she was a lesbian, as we slept in the same tent together. Great timing.)

This weekend, we went camping with my best friend, her fiance, and their group of friends. It was so much fun! But it wasn't real camping. The campground was actually labeled as a resort, and though we were sleeping in tents, there was an electricity hookup at every camp site, along with free wifi internet for the whole campground (??!!). This may sound appealing to most high maintenance people, but I really like to go balls to the wall when camping. None of this "official campground" nonsense, we usually just find a random spot in the woods nowhere near civilization. No electricity, no bathrooms, no people except the people you're with. It's like Survivor, but with young urban professionals, Eddie Bauer sleeping bags, and pontoon boats. I like falling asleep in terror to the sounds of rabid animals, not Jimmy Buffet tunes and the whirring of the blender from the cougars making margaritas next to our camp site.

But because I failed at taking any photos this weekend (it's kind of awkward to take pictures of people that you don't really know that well and then posting them on the internet, doesn't really set things off on the right foot), I'll leave you with my camping advice for high maintenance ladies:

1. Earplugs. Seriously, if I could bring one thing camping this would be it. I just started bringing earplugs with me when i sleep overnight anywhere and they are magical. I have trouble falling asleep if there is any kind of noise, and falling asleep to the sounds of wild animals gnashing their teeth on your cooler or retirees making frozen drinks way too late is almost impossible. I pop these earplugs in and I can sleep through anything.

2. Air mattress. I don't sleep on the ground. But the key to sleeping on an air mattress is to sleep on it with someone who is bigger than you. Because after a few uses, they start losing air throughout the night and you end on the ground anyway. My advice to you is to share an air mattress with your boyfriend/husband/fat friend so that they are the one that sinks, and you stay afloat on their displaced air.

3. Cleansing makeup remover cloths. If you don't have access to a bathroom, you can slip into your tent in the cover of night and take off your makeup before you go to sleep. That way no one will see your ugly face and think you are a woodland beast and try to poach you. 

4. "Natural" looking makeup. Even if you are the girl that wears makeup during camping, you don't want everyone else to know you're that girl. Bring a hand mirror and apply a "natural look" before you get out of the tent in the morning. A little swirl, tap, buff, of the bare minerals, a swipe of concealer and some mascara will do the trick. Then get out of the tent, yawning and stretching, like you just woke up looking like a hot piece.

This is what I look like without makeup, swearsies. 

5. All possibly-needed meds. I usually bring a sampler pack that contain one of each of the following: Advil, Pepto, allergy medicine, immodium, zoloft, tranquilizers. That way you will be prepared for anything. For example, this weekend, I got a pedicure from a shady place in the mall the day before we left to go camping. Once we were camping, I noticed one of my toes was looking infected where the nail lady went a little buck wild with her cuticle scissors. It's a good thing I had some Bactine and a band-aid, otherwise I would have probably thought I was going to get gangrene and would have made Frank drive me to the closest emergency room. We were pretty deep in the country, and I'm pretty sure the only option would have been Dr. Quinn medicine woman. 

6. Clothing for every climate. I whine if I'm too hot. I whine if I'm too cold. Bring a clothing option for every situation.

7. Get drunk and take a klonopin. Going to sleep, on the ground, in the great outdoors is enough to put me on edge. I like to self-medicate before bedtime so that when my head hits the pillow, I forget that there are bugs crawling all around me. Usually, a taking a couple Miller Lites to the face in rapid succession will be enough to get me to sleep, but if that doesn't work, I'll usually cap it off with a half a klonopin for good measure. (Please consult your doctor before mixing beer and seizure medication.)'

Got any more tips for going camping and looking like a natural?

1 comment:

  1. This was hilarious. The blow up mattress doesn't work for me. Since my boyfriend is way bigger, and he weighs it down, I end up sleeping on an angle and always get angry at him ha
    We go camping every year and I can't believe we haven't gone yet this year. Kind of sucks a lot..I need my s'mores fix!