Nature, yo

I took these in my backyard and then had some fun in Photoshop. I'm still just messing around with my camera in the automatic mode, but i'm looking for a class to take that will make me do more manual stuff.

Oh, and there were also two big turkeys and a bunch of baby turkeys in my yard but the pics turned out terrible. I would really love a nice telephoto lens, hint hint husband. Without further ado . . .

My Invention

As a child, I was a pretty docile, painfully shy girl. Then after high school I magically transformed into the outgoing and silly person that I am. I still get shy sometimes, but my confidence has gotten much better. I credit my husband, new friends and basement kegs of Natural Light.

Sometimes, I still have trouble speaking my mind or letting someone know when I am upset. Behind the wheel of my car is NOT one of these places. I morph into a 250 lb man with a shaved head and an anchor tattooed on his thigh. I'm not an aggressive driver--I'm very courteous about letting people in front of me, waving to people who let me in, etc. But if someone tries to tailgate me, or God forbid, cut me off, I start to feel the anger rise up. 

When someone does something to offend me while driving, three things happen. First, I lay my entire body into the horn and give it all I have. Second, I use my choice hand gesture. Which is NOT the middle finger. No, that's overdone. It's lost its power.  Instead I just kind of flick my hand at them, as though I am just dismissing them.  I think it is infinitely more offensive.  Then the third step is to think of the meanest thing I can possibly say to them.  I rarely throw out the standard, "Learn how to drive a**hole!" No, I'm an English Major and a Professional Writer.  Those are cliche.  Instead, I think of the meanest possible thing that I could say to them.  I study them. I observe context clues, like bumper stickers, other passengers and clothing choice.  What could I say to this person that could totally defeat them, make them curl into a ball and want to die, leave them feeling insecure for the rest of the week. I take note of disproportionate facial features. Is their child tragically plain looking?  Bad dye job?  Hit them where it hurts.

Only, on one rare occasion have I actually said any of these things out loud. Some beastly woman almost backed her car into my parked car, I gave her a little warning beep before she hit me and she proceeded to start flipping on me. It was a perfect moment when the stars aligned and I thought up the perfect insult and timed it just right. But I only reserve those kind of comments for very special people.  I think I actually wrote about that in this blog before . . .

Anyway, when these situations occur, I always think about my invention.  I want to invent an electronic marquee that sits atop your car and broadcasts messages to fellow drivers:

I think I'm sitting on top of a gold mine. This may be the next Sham Wow.

Survey Says

Oh, I have been a sloppy blogger. I kind of fell off the wagon. I hope to get back into it so i'll ease back into blogging with something fun and easy, a survey!

1. The strangest thing I've ever eaten was ranch flavored crickets! My best friend bought them and made me try one, but I didn't swallow it so I guess that doesn't count.

2. My best friends are completely drama-free. After high school, I decided not to maintain friendships with people who were dramatic or too dependent.  People who are strong and independent make the best friends.

3. If I could live in a different era it would be the 70's! I would love to experience the hippy  lifestyle.  Almost Famous is one of my favorite movies

4. If you should only know one thing about me it should be that I am determined to live an extraordinary life

5. My favorite book of all time is There are just way too many to list, but I know my favorite childhood book was "Mandy" by Julie Andrews. I must have read that book a dozen times

6. The one beauty product I cannot live without is my bare minerals foundation

7. Blogging is something i do professionally, so its hard for me to take the time to do it personally. But i'm working on it!

8. If I could star in a movie with one actor/actress, it would be Robert Pattinson . . . don't judge me

9. One of the best feelings in the world is being in love!

10. My current obsession is roasted red pepper hummus

11. What's for dinner tonight ? grilled flank steak and fresh broccoli

12. The last thing I bought was  a loaf of bread

13. I am currently listening to no music, Bethenny Getting Married on tv

14. If I could have a home, totally paid for, totally furnished anywhere in the world, it would be I guess Pittsburgh, where I live now. But if I could have all of my family and friends move too, Sausalito!

15. The one thing I would change about myself  is my self-doubt

16. If you could go anywhere in the world in the next hour, where would you go? St. Bart's, watching the honeymoon episode of Bethenny getting Married and it looks amazing

17. The languages I would love to learn are Italian, so I can speak it when we go to Florence next year

18. My favorite quote is:

"All any man can do, is add his fragment to the whole. No man can be final, but he can record his progress. What he leaves is so much for others to use as stones to step on, or stones to avoid. After all, the goal is not making art, it is living a life. Those who live their lives will leave the stuff that is really art." - Robert Henri

19. I am most afraid of death of loved ones

20. My favorite colour is gray! I have to restrain myself from buying too much gray clothes

21. My dream job is the one I'm working at, a professional freelance writer

22. The one thing that brings a smile to my face instantaneously is babies and puppies!

23. The one word I use a lot is F*** and all its variations. . . i'm trying to tone it down, its so tacky

24. When I'm feeling blue I go shopping or eat something bad

25. What inspires me is nature, particularly water like the beach or a lake, other people's art, a good book

26. My favorite season is, summer because of all the traveling I do then, but weather-wise it would be spring. Fall would be my favorite if winter didn't come after it :(

27. My favorite dessert has to be I'm currently o-b-s-e-s-s-e-d with those self-serve frozen yogurt places. The tart yogurt that actually tastes like real yogurt. Load a bunch of fruit, chocolate and graham cracker crumbs on top and HEAVEN

28. How many tabs are open on your browser right now? 7, and thats pretty low for me.

29. What was the first thought that crossed your mind this morning when you looked in the mirror?  need to wash my hair

30. The best piece of advice I was ever given was Most of the stuff you worry about won't actually happen

31. If I had a millions dollars to give to one charity, I would give it to maybe the literacy council

32. If at first you don't succeed, your eventual success will be that much sweeter

Let's Hear it for New York

Despite the sub par weather, lack of vineyards and towering ocean bluffs, the east coast does have one main advantage to the west: its proximity to this place:

Cleveland. J/K its New York City, silly. I have been to NYC maybe a half a dozen times. Its a leisurely six hour drive from where I live, depending on traffic. Just the perfect distance to feel like a trip but still doable for a long weekend. I have been lucky enough to have a couple friends who live in or near the city, so going there has always been feasible for me.

I have been to a few major cities, and in my limited opinion, NY is by far the greatest US city. I have never been in any other urban setting that inspires so much awe. To me, NY feels like another planet. When you're walking down the streets of Manhattan, you may be outside but it feels like you are enclosed by the mammoth buildings. Its the strangest feeling.

One of the best kinds of friends to have in New York is a rich friend. And that's what we have. Even when we were in college, before this guy started climbing his career ladder, he always had a taste for the extravagant and luxurious. He drank mojitos before they were cool, while we were choking back cans of Natty Light. He showed us that wine doesn't just come in boxes. He taught me what bottle service was.

Now that he is all grown up and living in an apartment in New York, we have the greatest NY experiences. He knows the ins and outs, so we can avoid the tourist traps and have an authentic experience. The last time we were there, we went to swanky and super-expensive trendy restaurants. Dinner reservations at 10 pm? In my normal life, that's almost time for 4th meal at Taco Bell. Fancy!

So we're going back this weekend, as he is having his birthday party at this place:

http://www.thegatesnyc.com

Lets make something clear: I'm past my prime. "Going Out" on a Saturday night means driving to the local dive bar on 25 cent wing night and dropping $5 on the TouchTunes cuz I'm rich like that. And making it into bed by 10 pm. I don't care. I had plenty of crazy times in my early twenties and I don't miss the clubs and the drunk texts and the hangovers. But I guess for this weekend I'm going to have to resurrect my inner party girl because this shit doesn't start until 11:30 pm. 

Whaaaa?

I'm going to need a nap before hand. And I'm also going to need to wear something other than a standard jean skirt, flip flops and t shirt. So I bought this from Express:

Shhhh. Don't tell my rich friend it was $30.  Just add twenty pounds and take away 6 inches from that model and that's what I'll look like in it! 

I'm also doing very well on my 5k101 program. I started week 3 (of 8) yesterday and I felt great. I really like this program so far. Its so gradual that you barely notice how much your lung capacity, endurance and pace is improving, until you realize that only three weeks ago you couldn't run 30 seconds without passing out. Im very excited that I'll be in NY on Friday, so I'll be able to run there! I'm thinking about running the Brooklyn bridge, I'll have to look into it. 

Anyone else doing 5k101 or couch 2 5k?

Rough Morning

This morning, a beautiful thing happened. I stepped on the scale and I was down four pounds since I started the 5k101 podcast a week and a half ago. It could have been water weight loss, it could have been the fact that i replaced the batteries in the scale and maybe it wasn't working right before, or it could be the fact that I was slightly hungover this morning and had no fluids in my body. But I'll take it.

Then a not so beautiful thing happened. I went downstairs to make some coffee. I was walking from the fridge to the coffee maker, container of folgers in hand, when GAHHHHH! Something bit my foot! Then I realized something had not bit my foot, but there was a shard of glass in my baby toe. I yanked it out and blood spurted (not really, the thing was the size of a splinter, but don't tell my husband that).  I vaguely remembered hearing a glass crash on the floor last night when i was already in bed and my husband was still downstairs. Then I opened up the garbage can and saw the remains of one of our bowls. But apparently, he only picked up the large pieces because I swept the floor and there was little splinters of glass everywhere. It just pisses me off because he's not stupid. At some point, he had to go through the following thought process, "Wow, that's glass on the floor. Glass can hurt you. Should I sweep it up? But the broom is all the way in the closet, like ten feet away. That would be very hard. Maybe if I leave it there, Emily will clean it up in the morning." Here's the kicker. When I called him at work this morning to yell at him, I said "Why didn't you clean up the broken glass on the kitchen floor?" He said, "The cat did it."

(This is funny, I JUST got a text from him that said "Please don't put this whole broken glass thing on Facebook" and I had to tell him that it wasn't going on the book but it would be on the blog, hahaha)

PS. The image? That's what I got when I did a google image search for "idiot husband".

People of Walmart.

I had to share this. How could I not.

You know news stories you hear about someone finding a potato that looks like the Virgin Mary? And then they sell it on ebay to some weirdo for $5000?  This is sort of like that but BETTER.

I was at the evil Wal-Mart yesterday getting groceries with my husband. We usually go to the fancy new grocery store they opened by our house, but we had a big list and no money so we had to suck it up and get our grub from Wally world this time.

As we were standing in line, I noticed that the cashier kept wiping sweat off his face with a paper towel. I dry heaved a little bit, but I wasn't about to give up my position in the line just to find another non-sweaty cashier. As we moved up closer in line, I noticed that his blue t-shirt had some kind of design on it. Oh how cute, it is the Walmart smiley face.

Upon further inspection, I realized that it was NOT a design in the t-shirt. It was a full-blown sweat stain in the shape of the Wal Mart smiley face. This poor guy has been working at Walmart for so long that it has overtaken his soul and his sweat glands. What's that? Of COURSE I got a picture.

Wait for it . . .

Yes, I plan on submitting this picture to www.PeopleofWalmart.com .  I apologize in advance if this offends anyone, but it was too good not to post. Plus I cut the guy's head off so he remains completely anonymous. I'll let you know if People of Walmart accepts it, but how could they not?

This dog isn't cute at all.

Just thought I'd brighten your day with Wilbur being cute.

You're welcome.

This is how he was sleeping until i so rudely woke him up with the sound of my cell camera flash.