Where do I start?

I've been thinking about this blog post for about three months. You know, the one where you come back from a big hiatus? How do I explain why I haven't been on here for months? Well to be honest, it's not that exciting, it was more laziness than anything else. Sometimes I go through bouts of anxiety and depression, and that happened this winter, which blows. I had gone years without a panic attack and then boom. It had a lot to do with hormones and going off my birth control (you see where this is going?), but also my constant worrying and neurotic thinking didn't help. Turns out hormones are more powerful than I could ever imagine, as I would find out throughout late winter and spring as well.

I found out that I was pregnant in February, and honestly it was a huge surprise. It shouldn't have been that big of a surprise, because well, I know how these things work. But still, when you've never been pregnant before, seeing those two pink lines can be an incredibly shocking experience, it doesn't seem like a possibility. It took a while to get used to (and I'm still getting used to it, I'm 16 weeks along) but things are starting to sink in a little more and I'm adjusting better than I thought. The first few months were rough, I admit, and I went through even more depression and anxiety. Hello hormones, and the fact that my crackpot doctor put me on an antidepressant that I had a bad reaction to. It basically did the opposite of what it's supposed to. Yes, I would love to not be on any meds at all while pregnant, but for me this proved to be an impossibility. My hormones do crazy things to my brain. I now have a better doctor who got me on the right medication, a therapist who I LOVE, and I'm doing a lot of work on myself, learning how to stop my negative thinking, live in the moment rather than the future.

Enough brain talk. What about this baby? Well the sonogram picture I put in the last post was about 8 weeks ago, so I imagine it looks much more human-like and bigger now. I get my next sonogram in three weeks, the big one where they make sure all the parts are there and in working order. And of course . . . gender! Yes, we're finding out. I'm a planner. I need to know. I have a list of names, and this is embarrassing to admit, but this list of baby names has been in progress for about ten years. The same little Word document has traveled from computer to computer and college, to apartments, etc. It's not that I've always been baby crazy, its more that I wanted to remember a name when I heard a good one. I probably won't be sharing it on this blog and I'm thinking about keeping the name a secret even from family and friends until birth. 

The baby is measuring perfectly. Although my original estimated due date got pushed back 9 days because I measured small on the sonogram. The due date calculated from the sonogram is November 3, but the due date calculated from my last period is October 25. The explanation is that I probably ovulated late in my cycle, but i'm not sure if I believe that. The due date we're telling everyone is November 3, but I wouldn't be surprised if it came in October.  Heartbeat is great, and fast. 

So yes, the focus of this blog is probably going to change quite a bit. To be totally honest, when I started this blog it was because I was reading so many pregnancy/baby blogs. I knew I wanted to blog my pregnancy and baby, and I wanted to get started before that so that I could learn how to blog, connect with other people, etc., before it happened. It definitely won't be all baby talk all the time though, because right now, it's just in there marinating and I'm pretty much going on with normal life. I don't read all the baby books and I try to stay away from the Babycenter message boards and everything. When I do that, I find myself comparing my situation to others and constantly feel like I'm thinking and feeling the wrong things. So I'm just letting nature take it's course and letting this be my experience. That means not obsessing over every little feeling and bodily change. But this blog has always been about my life, and this is my life right now.